Karma is, Apparently, a Bitch

 

 

Turns out, I have a bit of time on my hands. This post is brought to you from my office/bedroom/crafting room for the next five days, where I sit radioactive (yes, you read that right, we'll get to that a bit later...). I know that this blog is monitored by family members who are nosy as heck. Well, glad that I will be able to shake up your boring existence for a bit.

 

 

For over a year, I did not feel like myself. I noticed that I was losing weight no matter how much I ate, and that my moods were cycling between anger and sadness more often than what was normal. I wrote-off the weight loss to my vegetarian and fitness-filled lifestyle, and the feelings of sadness and anger to my life situation. Life situation you ask? Well let me explain a bit.

 

 

 

Due to the fact that my family of three and I have no real biological family support network, I have always tried to treat other people as "family". Hell, I've always treated my husband's side of the family well. I was the official "Martha Stewart" on that side of the family, always inviting people into our home to be treated to wonderful celebrations, and to be waited on. When my MIL was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, I functioned as her health care POA. When no one else could bear to see her sadly-deteriorated state, I was there by her bedside, holding her gaunt hand, and speaking calmly to her. I have no regrets about this, because I believed, and still do, that it was the right thing to do. I have yet to be asked by any of my in-laws, "How are YOU doing, C?" Sure, I've been there for all of them, but when it came to seeing me as someone with needs, the only sounds audible were a bunch of proverbial crickets chirping.The way of relating in that clan is pretty much "don't ask and don't tell". Interactions between family members are obligatory, and without much interest/concern. Just get it over with as soon as possible, and disperse to opposite sides of the continental United States, Sir!

 

 

 

When I  heard of even casual acquaintances having challenges, I came with a meal, or some kind of emotional support. One person was having trouble with a sick baby, and I could tell that she needed an ear. Upon arriving at her house, I noticed that it was a disorganized mess. Later that Summer, I gave up hours to try to organize it in an attempt to help her mood. My husband gave up his time to perform some carpentry skills there. Again, that just seemed the right thing to do. Couples with marital agreements, another individual going through an ugly divorce, I was there....

 

 

Fast forward to last year.... My husband and I started having some challenges with our daughter. No drinking, drugs, sex type of stuff, but still upsetting stuff to us. Because both of us were dealing with the same issues, both of us were under the same stress. Therefore, it was hard to find support from each other. In a state of desperation, I called up a friend of over 15 years, Nervous Nelly.

 

 

When I was pregnant with my child, NN declared herself to be an "Auntie". She took great interest in my daughter....until she became a grandmother 8 years later. She knew that my daughter did not have active and interested Grandparents. That did not matter to her; my daughter was a great "stand-in" until the real-deal came along. Funny, NN would lament when my daughter was young how I would probably have no time for her, because I would be busy in the new phase of my life. Turned out that she was wrong, I always has time for her. After years of trying to embrace her and her family, and in my worst time of need, I was left emotionally and physically deserted.

 

So, in addition to being devastated about no longer having one of my oldest friends to turn to, I also was dealing with the fact that there was no family, either.  The Grandparents liked "to be kept up to date", but no more. My daughter's legal-guardians-in-the-unlikely-event-of-a-statistically-low-demise-by-parental-units  never came by/contacted us (unless it was a rare Christmas that they were going to another relative's home nearby, and needed our house for a toilet break, and an under sixty minute obligatory visit). One family member is only heard from  when something is needed, or there is something to brag about. Another is just simply too far away. I told my FIL how I felt about all of this; his response was to ignore me for a year. All of this simply felt like yet another blow when I was already down.

 

About two months ago, I had what I thought was pink eye. When I hit urgent care the next morning, the nurse informed me that my blood pressure was very high. Being that it is usually low, I decided to schedule a physical for the first time in 4 years. I told the doctor that thyroid disease runs in my family, and that it would probably be a good idea to check my levels. As fate would have it, my levels indicated something was wrong.

 

After a visit to a specialist, I was diagnosed with Graves Disease (both the weight loss and emotional issues were symptoms) and put on the first line of drug therapy to try to get my  levels down. I ended up having a horrific allergic reaction that took two weeks and two rounds of steroids to stop. With meds no longer being a option, the only option left was radioactive iodine therapy. In the last week, I've been in and out of the local hospital three times. Two days ago, I swallowed a radioactive pill, and was sent on my merry way. SWALLOWED A RADIOACTIVE PILL AND SENT AWAY???? Why, yes, that's how our lovely medical system handles this. Before 1997, people like me were hospitalized to reduce risk to others. Now, they make you initial a few statements of things you will not do to reduce risk, and that's it.

 

I sent my family away to a hotel for a couple of days to be safe. I was asked why I wasn't the one to go to the hotel to keep that "stuff" out of my house. I did not do so because I believe that  would be unethical. It's been days of isolating myself in certain areas of the house, suiting-up with gloves and a mask for any kitchen activity, and trying to avoid my beloved Siamese second born.  I am grateful that my family had the financial resources to be able to absorb the cost of both two nights of hotel and the associated meals out. I am also thankful that at this time of stress, the three of us rallied and, once again, took all of it on just the three of us.

 

Happily, there were several good things that came out of all of this. Several people stepped up and supported me and my family through both emotional support, and the gift of food. With all of the quality solo time, I created about 5000 calories worth of hand-strung, candy garland for the tree in my "cage" (No worries, I wore gloves, did not drip saliva, and instructed my 15 year-old not to lick/touch it....). Finally, I had the time to reflect on my feelings, and create this lovely blog entry. Cheap therapy, anyone????

 

Yep, I've always done more to help others than I have ever received back. Is my karma likely to change anytime soon? Probably not. The people in my life who have let me down are not going to change. What *I* can change is my relationship with them. *I*  can give myself the gift of choosing not to participate in one-sided exchanges: the result of this will be to keep my "anger level" in check. *I* can choose to focus on the people who do come through for me. *I* can concentrate on that, and know that there are people who care. *I* can learn to except that things are not always fair. We are not always privy as to why this is the case. Some mysteries are revealed later, and patience must be exercised. The best Christmas gift that I can give myself, and my family of three, is to reflect on all of these things and make changes in myself. Best part of this gift? I don't have to worry about touching it and making it radioactive...

 

 

Merry Radioactive Christmas and a Happy Nuclear Year!