For those of you who know that I have a daughter who's just twelve, you're probably wondering what the heck I am EVEN bringing up an "after party" for in the first place. For my own snarky purposes, I'll define an "after party" as follows: an event that occurs when 3 or more girls get together, and, unbeknownst to one of the girls, the other girls plan on continuing to hang-out after the third girl goes home (thinking the "hang date" is over for ALL of them).
In the past school year, my daughter has been the unfortunate "third wheel" twice. The first time it happened, she was invited to a birthday party. When I read the invite, it specified an evening of dinner/bowling, ending around 9 with the "Birthday Girl's Mom" providing rides home. Sounded good, I thought. Two days before the party, my daughter told me that she would need to assemble her sleepover stuff for that party. I questioned her as to why, as the invitation said that the party ended around 9. It turned out that out of a party of 6 girls, the "Birthday Girl's Mom" told her daughter that she could only have two girls stay for a sleepover. From what my daughter told me, this was a common practice for "BG's Mom". In order to pull-off the little heist, the plan was to load ALL of the girls into a minivan to drive home, but , mysteriously, the "chosen girls" would be the "last" to be driven home ( returned to the house for more fun). My daughter then happily told me that SHE got to be one of the chosen 2! I told her that I thought the whole scheme was pretty smarmy, and that sneaking her sleepover gear to the girl's house before the party was a little too "on the down low" for my taste. As the party date grew closer, apparently, the "Birthday Girl's Mom" had a second thought about this, and decided not to go through with the it. My daughter was OK with this, and set out looking forward to a fun-filled evening. When she arrived home that night, she was a bit upset, as the "birthday girl's" long-term BFF was not brought home before my daughter; rather they "passed by" her house to drop my daughter at home. Hmmmmmmm.....
The other time my daughter got passed over for the "after party" was at a daytime playdate with a handful of other girls. When I agreed to let her go, I made sure that I knew what time I should arrive to get her. When I arrived at the designated hour, there were no other parents picking up their girls. Being a chronic "early bird", I just let my suspicions go. My daughter saw a couple of the girls a day later, and they asked how her evening was. Since it was just spent with her doting parents, she was a bit lukewarm. They were nice enough, however, to let her know that they had a great evening; the Mom of the "hostess" agreed to let the them stay for a sleepover!
While I certainly don't think that I know everything about parenting girls (and I don't hold a PhD in child psychology), I believe that when we (Mothers) allow our daughters to engage in decepetions like this, it's just plain wrong. Many of us with daughters are very aware about the whole "Mean Girl Phenomena". Social learning begins at home, with our daughters' primary teachers- us. Sure, it's harder to have 6 girls stay overnight than it is to have only 2, but is the extra ease worth teaching your daughter that it is "ok" to deceive the other 4? Isn't it the right thing to stand up and tell your daughter that she should call the girl who went home (on time) from the playdate and tell her that the other girls decided to have a "sleepover", checking to see if she wants to rejoin the group? Girls this age need a lot of coaching on social/emotional stuff: in order to raise socially aware and empathetic daughters, we can't afford to "drop the ball" on this issue.
It wasn't easy listening to my daughter's disappointment/anger in being left out after those experiences. One thing that did make me happy, though, was that she had such difficulty understanding why/how this could happen because, in her own words, "I don't do this to my friends!" Not a fun lesson, but one which illustrated the importance of treating others well.
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