Phone Follies... Part Deux

If you read my previous post, you are aware that "phone issues" run rampant in my household. Yesterday afternoon, my lovely daughter got brave, only to be demolished by her arch nemesis- the phone...

A couple of days ago, my daughter thought it would be nice to get the cell phone number of her friend, so that she could perhaps (gulp) actually call him. She accomplished goal #1, and secured the phone number. The next day in school, he asked her if she had received his number (as she had secured that privileged info through a third party). She did not summon enough courage to call him that night. Trying to raise a kid that doesn't play "head games", I explained to her yesterday that when you ask someone for their phone number, it is generally understood/expected that you actually intend to call him/her. We talked about it all the way home from school, and she decided that she would make "the call" later that afternoon.

So... she had a snack, petted the neighbor's dog, chatted nervously at me for awhile... then it was time to "----, or get off the pot". I had a bunch of things I needed to finish up that afternoon, and started to leave the room. Like a young child suffering from separation anxiety, she looked at me desperately. And so the drama began....

Child: "Mommy, where are you goooooiiinnggg?????"

Mother: "I'm running outside to tarp my big 'ol pile of brown dirt, then I have to get dinner going."

Child: (glassy-eyed staring begins, color drains from face) "Stay with me while I do this!"

Mother: "I can stay with you for a few minutes, but I really need to get going on my stuff."

(Child rotates pink cell phone in one hand, gripping her friend's cell number in the other. Upon closer examination of Child, it is obvious that her breathing rate has accelerated, and the glassy-eyed stare has been replaced by a look of utter panic)

Child: "I....think....I.....can.....do....this...."

Mother: "Of course you can! You guys are friends! Just go ahead, it'll be fine"

(Child nervously looks back-and-forth between the piece of paper, and the cell phone. It appears that all of the numbers have been entered, yet the phone is nowhere near Child's ear)

Mother: "Uh, you might want to lift that phone up to your ear so you can hear when he answers."

Child: "I haven't hit "talk" yet. I'm scared!!!"

Mother: "You can do it, and you will be fine. That pile of dirt needs to be covered, and dinner's not going to make itself. I have got to get going here...."

Child: "Okay..... OKAY!"

(Child enters all of the digits, and takes the plunge to press "talk". Child's eyes widen in terror, while Mother sits nearby, trying to fade into the back of the ottoman)

"Friend": (answers his phone, for some reason, the volume is soooo loud on the phone that Mother can hear the "goings on" from across the room) "Hello?"

Child: "(shell-shocked silence)"

"Friend": "Hello?"

Child: "Who is this?"

(Mother looks away from child, as to not start laughing. Mother cannot believe that Child has asked the solo owner of the cell phone who he is in such a rude, abrupt tone. Mother starts contemplating whether professional etiquette lessons on the art of telephoning might be in order...)

"Friend": "It's _____."

(Now here is where I need you to put on your "vision goggles", and work with me. If you remember the series "Twin Peaks", on the series finale, some of the characters started talking so fast, that subtitles appeared on the bottom of the screen. Hold this image in your mind now...)

Child: (miraculously, while beginning to hyperventilate, takes a breath big enough to belt out what will follow) "It's_____.Iwaswonderingifyouandyourfriendsmightwanttositinthecafeteriatomorrowatlunchwithmeandmyfriends?

"Friend": "Umm (pause...................pause), I could ask them tomorrow."

Child: "okaybye"

"Friend": "seeyoubye"

After my daughter hung up, she sat and looked at her cell phone silently for about thirty seconds. She then looked up at me, and then the "waterworks" started:

Child: "I am so bad on the phone. He won't like me anymore. I am not going to school tomorrow!!!! He hates me....he HATES me!!!!!"

Mother: "The only thing you need to change is when you call someone, don't ask them in a harsh tone who they are: rather, start with 'Hi, this is _____, can I please speak with_____?' Memorize this and just use it as your mantra. Problem solved."

Problem was not so easily solved, as my daughter went outside to stew about the phone follies for almost an hour in the backyard. Believing that nature can heal a multitude of sins, I felt it was best to leave her out there to "work things through" in her head. Eventually, she decided that she needed her Mom, and came back into the house.

Mother: "Are you feeling any better?"

Child: (speaking softly, looking at the ground) "Sort of."

Mother: "Do you want to practice talking on the phone? You can go upstairs with your cell, and call me on the house phone."

Child: (smile appearing on face) "Yeah, let's do that!"

So... we practiced the "mantra", and general small talk for awhile. When we were done, she charged up the pink phone, and put it away in her backpack. Equilibrium was restored in the "tween universe"; at least until the next time an ocassion to "reach-out-and-touch-someone" transpires....