Co-Dependent No More....

I always like to look at the 3 month Summer Break as a great chance for social/emotional growth. Every June, I wonder what "new lessons" will be learned by the time September rolls around. I pondered these thoughts as I was out for my walk this morning. It struck me that creating change in my own behavior could possibly yield some positive growth in Child...

Anyone who reads this blog is probably aware that at least 3 entries focus on my daughter's ineptitude/dislike of the phone. While I have been able to find quite a bit of "funny" in all of this, this little "problem" will have some pretty sad consequences, if left on its present course..

Because school ended last week, the ability to see friends on a daily basis has disappeared. Sure, the kids are pretty scheduled all day, but there are opportunities to chat/make plans/connect. Knowing that going from constant activity/people to a pretty quiet house would be an adjustment for Child, I figured that I should probably give her a "lay of the Summer Land":

Mother: "Summer is here. This is going to be a pretty quiet week for you. You are welcomed to invite someone over for Thursday and/or Friday. Just make sure that you do your calling when I'm home, so I can talk to the other adult."

Child: "( tinkers with any small object within grasping reach to avoid eye contact with/answering Mother)"

Father: "It just takes 5 minutes of arranging plans to enjoy a whole day of fun! You always have a great time when friends come over!"

Child: "I'm on vacation from calling anyone this week. Maybe next Monday..." (Child then scurries away from the table where Mother and Father are seated, loading the dishwasher w/o even being nagged! Anything to stop the discussion...)

After realizing that approach didn't lead to a "eureka moment", I tried another route:

Mother: (trying not to get too deep, this is aimed at a pretty "black-and-white" kid, after all) "I need to talk to you about friendship."

Child: "(eyes glaze over, then start scanning the room for something to tinker with)"

Mother: "Friendship is something that you need to nurture, to take care of. You do this by showing interest in the other person. When you call someone up just to ask about their day, or to invite them to do something, you are showing him/her that you care. Auntie "____" and I hadn't seen each other for seven months before we got together this afternoon. If it weren't for our chats on the phone, we would be pretty removed from one another's lives. Do you kind of get where I'm coming from?"

Child: "( Huh? Did you say something, Mother? I was just working over some Justin Bieber lyrics in my head!!!!)"

Okay.... still no power to the 'ol "lightbulb in the cabeza"! One last college try:

Mother: " 'Friend' is going to Mexico for a week. Are you going to give him a call and wish him a nice trip?"

Child: "hmmmpppp"

Mother: "You are always complaining that ____ (other female, most despised by Child) calls him all of the time. As annoying (and 'stalkeristic') as her MO is, she is showing interest in him/his life. When you ignore someone, the general vibe that you're giving out is that you could care less. You say that you consider him to be a friend; is this the message that you want to be sending?"

Child: (Gives Mother one of her "specialities of the house", a big 'ol sneer, and leaves the room)

Well, this final exchange was the "come to Jesus" moment; ironically enough, not for "Child", but for me. It was then that I realized that by either nagging her to call a friend, or actually making the arrangements on her behalf, I had taken away her ability to manage/nurture her friendships. Feeling a little bored and lonely? Good opportunity to check the "daily schedule" with Mother, and see if a little get-together could fit in. Slightly apprehensive about dialing/speaking on a phone? Well, if you don't no one else is going to! Feeling a 'pit in your stomach' after having neglected to stay in touch with someone, and then having to endure seeing that person with new people who get the concept of being a friend- OUCH! Yep, it occurred to me that by "cruise directing"/facilitating, I have prevented all of these lovely scenarios from happening. Pretty accomodating in the "here and now" , but not at all helpful for learning real life lessons/consequences of behavior. Better to have her squirm a bit under my safe roof as a twelve year-old, than to become a lonely, socially inept adult, clueless in the art of friendship.

So... It should be an interesting Summer around here. I can see my "little intervention" going very well (Child develops a taste for "reaching out and touching someone"), or pretty bad (Child's headstrong nature wins out, and she chooses to be miserable rather than take a chance at some personal growth). I just need to remember that, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." And take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths...