"Tee(th) For Two"

If you are familiar with this blog, then you are aware of the fact that I'm sporting some pretty 'spanky' ceramic (read: adult-style) braces. Ever since it was hinted by our family dentist ("Tooth Fairy") that I might need those lovely corrective devices, Child has been jealous. Of me... Yesterday, Child finally got to have the 'peak experience' that she had been craving for oh so long; a chance to relax in the Ortholounger o'pain....

Now, let me backtrack a bit. About a month ago, Child went for her twice annual check-up/cleaning with "Debbie Does Teeth" (aka DDT, hygienist) and Tooth Fairy. Being that Child is the sophisticated age of 12, she likes to have some quality one-on-one time with DDT, before her latex gloves end up in her mouth. This whole system works well by me, as the Tooth Fairy has some of the most diverse periodicals in the area to peruse while waiting...score! So, while Child and DDT disappeared back into the dental dominion, I hunkered down for some quality reading time. About 15 minutes later, my attention was diverted from the glossy pages of my mag:

DDT: "Ummm.... Catherine.... Tooth Fairy would like you to come back to the exam room."

(I neatly placed my mag back into the neat row on the table from which I had taken it, and followed DDT to see Child and Tooth Fairy...)

Tooth Fairy: (spoken very demurely and delicately)" We have a little situation I want to make you aware of, Catherine. Here, Child, ooo-pen!"

(Before Tooth Fairy could say anything, I glanced in Child's mouth and noted teeth. Lots of them. All in their own space. None of them invading each other's turf. And, oh yeah, I noticed that none of them were clamped down on Tooth Fairy's finger, like in that unfortunate incident when she was in 4th Grade (yeah, she hit the bitting stage a bit late...))

Tooth Fairy: "Her top molars aren't meeting properly with her lower molars! Open Bite!(delighting in the fact that this would be a referral to his bestie, Ortho). This tooth is also rotated the wrong way! (fighting to contain his glee...) You should probably bring her in for a consult with Ortho! You do know one, don't you??? (smiles at his own cleverness)"

Me: "We've been coming here since she was 3, and no problem has ever been mentioned before. She can chew food and speak just fine, dude!"

Tooth Fairy: "Sometimes these things just develop later. DDT, go ahead and get a referral form set up for Child now, pleeease (again, spoken so smoothly, you could have sworn his voice was channeled through a smoooooth jazz radio station)."

(DDT scurried from the exam room to the front office, where two previously bored and gossipy staff members now singularily focused on said referral)

So, Child and I took her new toothbrush, floss, and the letter and headed to the car. I could see the wheels turning..

Child: "Oh. My. Gosh. I'm going to get braces! I am so excited! I can't wait to tell my friends at school tomorrow."

Me: "S-l-o-w down there. We are only going for a free consult, you are not definitely getting braces."

Child: "This is so cool! Are you going to tell Daddy?????"

Me: "Yeah, I'll mention something to him (smirking). I always believe in keeping the old guy in the loop (snorting)."

So, as Child sat down to tackle her nightly homework bomb, I ventured upstairs to where Husband was to share this most 'exciting' information:

Me: "Hi"

Husband: (staring at computer screen) "Hi"

Me: "Well, no cavities, new toothbrush, and new floss."

Husband: (staring at computer screen) "mmhmmmm"

Me: "We also got a complimentary referral to my Ortho for Child. Tooth Fairy found a bit of a "situation" in her mouth."

Husband: (looking up from computer screen, no words spoken, but his expression said it all...) "colordrainingfromfaceandlookofsheerdisbelief/horror"

Like many other Americans, our family does not have dental/ortho coverage. Dealing with one mouthful of braces is difficult, but two?!?! Compound that with the realization that a lot of the success of orthodontic treatment is contingent on the patient following directions to a "t"; failure to do so resulting in more time in braces and more money from the "Bank of Mom and Dad"- yikes! Well, at least the consult would be free...

So, yesterday, I took Child with me to meet with Ortho after he tortured...errr....adjusted my braces, and added medieval accoutrements such as powerchains and springs:

Ortho: "I heard that you brought Child with you today. We'll get to her after I mess around in your mouth adequately enough for you to resort to self-starvation for the next two days."

Me: "Sounds great, Doc. Just so you know, we're basically here because she is all about that (pointing to Ortho's 'color wheel' of elastic choices for his patients HS age and under)"

Ever since Child's friends have shown up at school sporting train tracks, I have not heard the end of how one can choose colors! Every time you go in! For the upcoming holidays! For your moods! For making the 5K being spent by the "Bank of Mom and Dad" more fun! Heck, she even tried to goad me into getting those things (ummm... no thanks... trying to keep this necessary evil on the 'down low'). Have you heard the new Black-Eyed Peas song called, "Time of My Life"? Randomly throughout the song, one of the guys repeats the random phrase "dirty bit"; if you just changed that phrase to "colored bands", you'd have a good illustration of life in Thomasville of late...

Anywhooo.... Ortho finished up on my end (miraculously, w/o stabbing me in the lip 3X, as he had done in the previous month. Perk for him? I didn't start a late "bitting phase" at age 41..), and I went to the waiting room to fetch Child. After being ushered into the "ortholounger", it was time for Child to show the guy what she had:

Ortho: "Wow, nice, straight teeth on top. Lots of room, and no crowding. That's actually unusual in a good way."

Me: (thinking...)"Okaygoodnewsmyrestingpulsecannowcomedownoutofthestratosphere"

Ortho: "Hmmm. There is a bit of jaw issue between upper and lower, but we should wait until more teeth erupt. It would be a bad idea to jump into anything right away."

Me: (thinking...)"YESYESYESYYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!"

Ortho: "Let's just have you come back in about 6 months, and we'll reassess then."

Child: (thinking..."DarnitcoloredbandsIwashopingtohavesomegoodgossipcoloredbandswhydoes
Mommyalwaysseemtogetherwaycoloredbands?") "Ok"

So, Child and I bid adieu to Ortho and Co., and walked out to my car. As per usual, Child assumed her stuffed-shirt pose (stiff torso, raised shoulders, glance averted always to the right) in her co-pilot seat.

Me: "Are you disappointed?"

Child: (trying to keep her cool) "I don't know"

Me: "You should be grateful. Braces suck. You hear me moaning and groaning about them all the time."

Child: "Hmmmppp"

The rest of the way to school was pretty quiet. I was relieved to have (at least temporarily) dodged a 4-figure financial bullet. Child, well, she was mourning the fact that she would not be able to color-coordinate her boca in the near future. Wait a minute! If the 4-figures didn't have to be spent making her mouth a more colorful place for her teeth to exist in, there was another way in which she could channel her need to be colorful:

Child: "Guess what, Mommy! I've been looking at Delia*s website, and I've found lots of clothes I want for Spring!!"

Too short of shorts, over-priced shirts, and a 'gulp' trip to the mall?!?! Good thing that the ibuprofen one takes before an ortho adjustment also cover headaches caused by shopping....